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After thorough consideration, weighing all pros and cons, I have to conclude that traditional, you-and-your-dirty-kielbasa-claw masturbation is still the best form. It's as simple as that. Patented in , the Fleshlight was the answer to the warm meat conundrum. I don't have a degree in anthropology or dick tuggery, but I am an amateur in both. Now, this isn't to say a Fleshlight is an unpleasant experience. They can masturbate and use lotion for its actual intended purpose. Masturbatory scientists have been at it for a long time heh. It's hard to beat the good cheer brought about by your own hand. He reached for it, grabbed both together, pulled, and suddenly we had nuclear power, iPhones, and Hot Pockets. It's got girth -- it's like you're trying to fuck a two-liter bottle of root beer that's really into it -- but you either have to hold it up or, as I said, find some way to balance it. The porcine groin bouquet is a bit sweet and a bit musky -- kind of like what you might expect from a corpse, or a Kardashian when no cameras are around. Add me to the daily newsletter. Maybe one day, if I ever willingly take a nap on a back alley mattress and start agreeing with things Donald Trump says, I'll be able to revisit this idea, but until then, no. To turn on reply notifications, click here. Please enter a Username.

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Ruth from Ashburn Age: 31. Looking for a permanent lover for periodic hot and interesting meetings.
Description: Maybe you have a slice of ham. I'm not saying there's anything inherently sexy about ham. Anthropologists say you can measure the progress of a civilization by its superhero movies. You'll probably need to balance it between your thighs a little, or wedge it slightly between yourself and a pillow. The porcine groin bouquet is a bit sweet and a bit musky -- kind of like what you might expect from a corpse, or a Kardashian when no cameras are around. Many people claim the Fleshlight is even better than the real thing, at which point we're left to consider whether by "real thing" they mean their hand -- which of course they don't mean -- or an actual human vagina -- which, sadly, they do mean. I want you to put on your 3D glasses, hop on your hoverboard, and start eating astronaut ice cream, because the future of tugging on your tuber is now. You're cleaning your pipes. Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. Back in the day, you wouldn't dare touch your precious genitals with your sinister devil's paw.
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